Forgetting water
I struggle to drink enough water in the daytime. It isn’t something I even think about throughout most of the day. Our body is 75% water and depends on it for functioning. I don’t really drink anything other than water, and I still forget to drink. I think there’s multiple reasons for this. One is the inconvenience of getting water. I’m recovering from depression, and sometimes the basic care for myself feels overwhelming. It feels like I’m taking time out of doing things which are actually important in order to do something which I don’t have to do. Or maybe it is the distinct lack of urgency. Unless I have exercised which I haven’t done a lot of late, I feel like I can forget the importance of drinking water. I also do not enjoy having to use the bathroom so often. I am not used to this, due to my lack of drinking water. It feels like it impinges on my purposeful productive time. Furthermore, I struggle with the natural aspects of being human. Having needs, which exist whether I like them or not, feels frustrating.
Motivation
I like to do things which have a moment of completion. A moment where things have been leading up to, which accomplishes something. It is something to look back on. Something which has meaning. I struggle with everyday tasks, which are relentlessly demanding of me. You can never drink enough water to last you multiple days. It is a constant ask of me. I think I am so bound up in trying to justify existing, that doing something that nourishes my body does not provide me the dopamine hit that I get from something remarkable. So, I do not engage with it. I hope by bringing this issue to my conscious awareness I will be able to tackle it in a way that improves my inner connection to my body.
Trauma dump
Another reason specific to me is the association I have with leaving my room and entering the kitchen and dealing with emotional abuse. I was in such a fragile state and each time I would leave my room, there was constant threats of further wounding. I left waiting for what would come, who would micro-agress or macro-agress continually. I couldn’t deal with the unprovoked attacks so would wait until late to move. This made it hard to continually nourish myself. I would rather avoid the turmoil than listen to my body and give it what it needed. I now find it hard to undo those patterns. My body has become accustomed to living without lots of water and it feels hard changing this.
Being present is seriously unnerving for me. I am afraid of it, so daily bodily check ins, by myself fill me with fear. The lack of doing this is another reason why I don’t always drink the amount of water I need. I’ve heard that sometimes our bodies signal hunger when we are actually thirsty. Sometimes I think this is what happens for me. I feel full but need something more. It is not always intuitive for me to know I need water.
How we’re conditioned
I do believe we are raised to seek things which bring external validation as opposed to internal satisfaction as a whole. We are raised so purpose driven in a distancing way. My bodies goals are in itself. They are not awards on a mantle or reactions from others. It has its own system, centred around health, balance and survival. I’m out of survival situations now, hoping to connect to a new system of belonging, a new system of completion. I want my body to be healthy and at peace in a way that only my body can manage. There are deeply personal reasons why I find drinking water regularly hard, yet I know some parts are symptoms of society. I hope to unite with myself and claim my body as my own. I want an affinity with me, and I hope that little by little I can attain this. I know my body is something I want to connect with. My first intention is more awareness. Beyond that, I know there is so much beauty that comes from feeling what I feel and acting upon it! <3 Love you, thanks so much for reading.